


i could lie

by xinmood



Series: matters of the heart [2]
Category: HOTSHOT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drabble, M/M, Oneshot, Pining, hatae - Freeform, tbh just word vomit and a lot of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-06 00:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16378145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xinmood/pseuds/xinmood
Summary: His eye twitched and he realised with a start that he was crying, and no, no, this is not going to happen, not tonight - his laughs humourless, hands coming up to press his eyes shut. But the tears escaped no matter how hard he willed them away, reminding him of how pathetic and insignificant he was - that he was just a lone man, drunk beyond reason, broken up over another man who had never loved him, not really.





	i could lie

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by billie eilish's when the party's over.

The man wobbled on his feet as he entered his apartment, barely registering that he left his keys dangling in the keyhole of the front gate. _Donghan was funny today,_ he giggled, but then he realised he forgot what the entire joke was about. And he giggled again, because it amused him that he could be _that_ far gone. The cold grounds of his home greeted him, littered with clothes and soda cans that he forgot to clear up, but he didn’t really notice - nor did he care. Not when the whole apartment was shadowed at 3 in the morning.

 

He quite liked the feeling of not having a care in the world. It was starting to become a slight addiction. The high of being in the moment, of losing a sense of reality was a welcome distraction for him. Years ago he would have been terrified of losing control - and yet, funny enough, the current him _desired_ it.

 

He didn’t know if he should worry that he found himself _wanting_ to get out and drink when he never really enjoyed it in the first place. As quickly as the thought came he squashed that notion, comforting himself with the fact that it was normal. _Everyone_ drank. _It shouldn’t be a problem that I’m late to the party,_ he thought and he giggled again, recalling how he was in fact, late to the previous gathering.

 

In the midst of his thoughts - or lack thereof - his feet stumbled over each other, and he landed in a heap on the floor in front of his sofa. He muttered under his breath and willed his brain to focus, ignoring the incessant _thump, thump, thumping_ in the back of his mind. _It’s too loud,_ he grunted, absentmindedly trying to pop the tab of an already opened and half-empty beer can. He gulped the vice down and set it down beside him, letting his body relax against the hardwood flooring. Almost instantaneously did the pounding in his head cease, and he found that his drunken haze called for another wave of thoughts he’d much rather not dwell on.

 

As the blaring hum in his ears quietened, it gave way to the unnerving silence he unwillingly let seep into the void of his room. His eye twitched and he realised with a start that he was crying, and _no, no, this is not going to happen, not tonight_ \- his laughs humourless, hands coming up to press his eyes shut. But the tears escaped no matter how hard he willed them away, reminding him of how pathetic and insignificant he was - that he was a lone man, drunk beyond reason, broken up over another man who never loved him; not really.

 

His eyes stung as he looked up at his ceiling, at the apparent nothingness. For a moment, he felt like he was floating. Or perhaps he was just  _that_ drunk. It was a weightless sensation, but an unnerving one - it felt _wrong._ Yet he wanted nothing more than to douse himself in that feeling, in that conscious self-destruction. Maybe that was what he deserved to feel. A sort of twisted retribution - or maybe it was just him wanting to believe that he was an absolute idiot.

 

He felt a slithering sort of cold wash over his body and he shivered, his body waking him from his drunken trance. He felt his heart beat harder against his chest, signalling him to a form of danger that he couldn’t really see; but it was one that he could inherently feel. One that seemed to suck the life out of him, one that ensnared him in a trap at his most vulnerable moment. Quickly he pushed away the gnawing emptiness before it could swallow him whole and willed the dark vines that he let wrap around his torso to burn. His body shot up, knocking the cheap beer cans over his washed out rug, but he could really have cared less.

 

Taehyun ran a hand through his hair, eyes bleary and red, and forced himself to move from his spot on his floor to his bed. He sniffled, cursing the dry tear tracks on his cheeks and the salt upon his lips. The man all but threw himself under his covers despite his body’s protest, the blankets a furnace encasing his small frame. He closed his eyes and curled into a fetal position, hugging the comforters to his chest like they were a lifeline.

 

His breath came in soft pants, brows furrowing in a shield of frustration.

 

It was a long time before he could let sleep claim him. And even then, _damn him,_ he dreamt of soft smiles and burning bridges, and drunken kisses at 2 in the morning. He dreamt of dance practices, his teasing smirk, gazes heavy with adoration and sincerity.

 

And he dreamt of nostalgia. Of a montage so perfectly edited with the good that the bad did not exist, that the looming toxicity was extinguished. He went to sleep with a tired smile gracing his lips, because he dreamt of him.

 

He dreamt of Sungwoon.

 

And _maybe it will be fine like this_ , he let himself think, because _it’s just a dream._

 

_And dreams can never hurt me._

**Author's Note:**

> intended to be related to avenoir, but it can be read separately - whether this was an ending to avenoir or taehyun's pov during that time is up for interpretation HOHOHOHO  
> thank you for reading ♡ I wrote this in one sitting at 2am, I'm sorry for any mistakes.


End file.
